


Here's my Achilles' Heel

by Saffiaan



Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: Aka not very subtle, Also technically based on the 2012 version, Also the relationship is as subtle as in the show, But I don't do physical descriptions so read it with whatever cast makes you happy, But also suffer, But you can def not read it as a relationship if that's what makes you happy, Fix-It, How Do I Tag, I probably just made things worse tbh, Multi, SUFFER WITH ME, just be happy, kind of, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:55:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23801941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffiaan/pseuds/Saffiaan
Summary: In which Judas and Jesus have a much-needed conversation.
Relationships: Jesus Christ/Judas Iscariot, Jesus Christ/Mary Magdalene (Mentioned)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 23





	Here's my Achilles' Heel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CalamityCain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalamityCain/gifts).



> Gifted to CalamityCain for unknowingly motivating me to write this XD

It was probably way too early for Judas to be as wide awake as he was. No, scratch that, it _was_ too early. The sun had only just risen. The rays weren’t yet strong or high enough to shine over the rooftops and onto the field of grass where they had set up camp. Nevertheless, he had already spent almost three hours awake. By now he had gotten used to it. Every day they came closer to Jerusalem, Judas got less sleep. Because with every passing day, it become more and more clear to him that everything was going wrong. Having arrived didn’t help. He felt as though he was on a train that was racing towards a cliff with no way to stop it, because Jesus didn’t listen to Judas’ warnings.

Jesus in general didn’t listen an awful lot to Judas these days. He used to. They used to be… close. Judas liked to think they still were, but at the back of his mind there was a gnawing doubt. Nowadays Jesus seemed closer with Mary than anyone else. Soft looked and smiles were reserved for her. All that was left for Judas was Jesus’ harsh side. And that was only when Judas sought Jesus out. Otherwise it seemed Jesus was content to ignore him.

At this point Judas was seriously considering giving up altogether. Both trying to sleep and warning Jesus. Of course, he couldn’t stop doing either of these things. The lack of sleep was already making him irritable; he was well aware. It wouldn’t do him any good making it worse.

And warning Jesus… In all honesty, Judas wished he could stop doing that. He almost wanted to. To just take his things and leave. Leave the twelve, leave Jesus, leave this entire mess behind. Every night he decided that was what he would do. Get away before anyone was awake to stop him. Only, he never got around to actually doing it, because someone always woke up too early. Apparently, he didn’t have the guts to leave with anyone knowing it.

He feared the day no one would wake up early.

Maybe this was that day. He was almost at the end of his cigarette and no one seemed to be awake yet. He had resolved to leave once the cigarette was burned up. There was no use dragging it out, so he took the smouldering bud from between his lips and pushed it into the sand next to him. With a final deep breath, he stood up, intending to grab his backpack and go.

That’s when he noticed movement in one of the streets leading to the field. Nowadays it happened quite often that people sought them out on their own accord, but it was rarely this early. Never, in fact. However, it didn’t take long before Judas realised that the person in the street was Jesus. Which was no less weird. Judas thought he had been the only one awake. He had definitely never seen Jesus leave, which meant he had woken before Judas did. If he had ever gone to sleep at all. Judas wished he could claim to know, but he didn’t. He had simply retreated and left Jesus with Mary.

It took a few seconds for Jesus to notice Judas, confirming Judas’ suspicion that Jesus had never gone to sleep at all. A part of him wanted to know why. Actually, most of him wanted to know why, because not only did Jesus look absolutely exhausted, he looked like absolute shit. But Judas didn’t ask why. Instead he said: “Going out on your own at night-time really isn’t the brightest idea. The priests might not have anything against you yet, but they definitely won’t be so kind as to offer you a warning when they do.”

Judas didn’t really believe the priests needed a good reason. They probably thought a rioting crowd was enough of a reason. Actually, he knew they did. Otherwise Annas would never have given his phone number. But then it wasn’t the priests Judas was afraid of, but the people of the city. Only he knew there was absolutely no chance of Jesus taking him seriously if he had said that, so he hadn’t.

Despite the alteration, Jesus looked more than a little dubious and annoyed. Judas didn’t even try to suppress the sigh he felt coming up. “Whatever. Hope you enjoyed your walk.” The sarcasm in his voice would usually be enough cause for Jesus to lash out at him, but Jesus stayed quiet. On closer inspection, Judas found that the look on Jesus’ face was sad rather than anything else.

“Are you okay?” Judas asked, almost forgetting all about his former exasperation.

Jesus looked at him with clear surprise, as if he hadn’t expected such a question. In all fairness, Judas hadn’t expected he would ask. The surprise didn’t last long and soon Jesus’ face returned to the stony expression Judas had become far too familiar with.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” Judas said, raising his hands in defence. “Don’t know why I still bother.” He turned around, intending to leave. Maybe to this time grab his things and finally leave permanently. Or maybe he’d call the number that had been burning in his pocket ever since he got it. Actually doing something about the situation instead of running away from it didn’t sound like a terrible plan.

A sound, almost like a sob, from behind him prevented him from doing either of those things. He turned around to see that Jesus had started shaking and, with the utmost effort, choking out the words: “I’m scared.”

It was a strange thing to imagine that Jesus, who preached to crowds as though it were second nature, had trouble talking. Let alone to imagine that he might be scared. It left Judas nailed on the spot, incapable of moving. That is, until Jesus sunk to the ground.

Without thinking about it, Judas rushed to Jesus’ side and knelt down next to him. Almost immediately, Jesus grabbed onto Judas’ arms with a surprising amount of strength. Judas in return wrapped his arms around Jesus’ waist. Judas had never been particularly good at consoling people, let alone when he didn’t know the cause for their distress or on what grounds he was with the other, so all he could really do was hold Jesus, who had started sobbing.

To say Judas was confused would be an understatement. He had seen Jesus in wide range of emotion states. Angry. Happy. Annoyed. Pleased. However, scared and genuinely distressed had never been one of those. It didn’t quite fit in Judas’ mind that the man shaking in his arms and crying on his shoulder was the same as the one who had lectured him just the day before.

Eventually Jesus stopped sobbing and shaking. He didn’t let go of Judas though, so Judas felt no need to let go of him either. Instead he watched the sun rise above the rooftops while he rubbed Jesus’ back, something he had started doing without being conscious of it.

“I’m sorry,” Jesus said, his voice much more steady now.

“What for?” Judas asked. In response, all he got was a snort, as if to say ‘isn’t that obvious?’. It was, but even so, Judas couldn’t help the pang of disappointment. Immediately he was reminded of everything that had happened before Jesus had walked out of the street.

“Right.” Judas could hear the harshness in his voice, but he couldn’t be bothered to try and correct it. Instead he started to pry himself loose from Jesus. Jesus’ eyes when they turned back on him were once again filled with that sadness. This only caused Judas’ annoyance to return tenfold.

“Y’know, if I’m such a horrible person to have around, you can just say so,” he snapped. “I’ll be out of your way before you know it.”

“Judas, you’re not-,” Jesus began, but Judas didn’t let him finish.

Judas hadn’t fully realised how much he had been holding back until he let it go and now that he had, it felt as though a dam had broken and he couldn’t stop. “Save me your excuses. I don’t know why you even bother when you can’t be bothered to ever listen to me. You know listening doesn’t mean you have to take into account anything I say, right? Just _listening_. Why the fuck is that too much to ask? I’m sorry if my realism doesn’t fit into this stupid divine world view you’ve created for yourself. Not everyone can be as idealistic as you.” At some point his thoughts had started to run ahead of his mouth and he couldn’t produce a coherent word. All that left his mouth was a frustrated sound.

“If that’s how you feel, why do you stay?” Jesus asked, his voice gentle, but still with that edge of sadness. As if he expected Judas to realise he had a point and leave. But there was also regret, which Judas couldn’t place, so it was probably just imagined.

“I don’t know,” Judas said quietly, looking away. It was the only honest answer he could give. Rationally he ought to leave, but for some reason he didn’t want to. Not wanting anyone to be awake and waiting for cigarettes to be reduced to ashes were stupid excuses and he knew it.

Jesus put his hand on Judas’ cheek, softly urging him to look up again.

“I’m sorry,” Jesus said again, “I’ve failed you.”

“What? No,” Judas said, more forcefully than he meant to. “You’re the reason I’m still here.” He had spoken the words before he had had time to consider them, but he immediately knew they were true. Even if it was also Jesus that had made him want to leave in the first place, Jesus was also the reason Judas stayed. It was stupid, but it was also the truth.

“Both can be true,” Jesus said. He was probably right. He shot Judas a small, tired smile and dropped his hand.

Judas quickly grabbed Jesus’ wrist, before Jesus had a chance to walk away. This was probably his only chance to talk some sense into Jesus, he wasn’t going to let it slip away. “Listen to me, please. Everything is going to go horribly wrong. The crowds are getting dangerous-”

“I know,” Jesus interrupted him. “Judas, I know, but there is no way of stopping it. No one can undo what has been said and done and the only way this can end is with my death.” Judas didn’t miss the little tremor in Jesus’ voice as he said ‘death’. Was this why he had been scared?

“No,” Judas said resolutely. “Bullshit. We can still leave Jerusalem.”

“I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

“Judas, don’t you see? If we were to leave, what do you think the people would do? Even the twelve.”

Judas closed his eyes for a second. He did see. Of course he saw, because he had seen it all along. But Jesus was right. There was no way back now. It had become a matter of when and not of if things would go wrong. Fuck, it was so messed up. He opened his eyes to look at Jesus again. “They don’t have to kill you.”

“But they will,” Jesus said. His free hand placed itself on top of Judas’ hand, which was still wrapped around Jesus’ wrist. “Caiaphas will make sure of it.”

It was something Judas hadn’t even considered when he had accepted Annas card. To think he had actually considered calling. To think he had almost done it there and then. How could he have been so blind not to see the obvious? The answer was painfully clear to him now: because he had not wanted to see.

Screw it. Jesus might have developed some sort of stupid martyr-complex, that didn’t mean Judas was going to go along with it just like that. Caiaphas might want Jesus dead, but the people were unlikely to actively make it happen if they left Jerusalem. Judas opened his mouth to say so, but Jesus never gave him a chance.

“You said it yourself,” Jesus said, “I don’t have to heed your advice. I know you mean well, but you don’t see what I see. I have to do this.” He shot Judas another sad smile. “I’m just glad it isn’t you.” Jesus leaned forward to press a kiss to Judas’ cheek. After that he let go of Judas, turned around and walked away.

All that was left for Judas was confusion, helplessness and an agonizing pain that shot through his body and caused him to fall apart against the earth. Screams of pain and frustration left his mouth, combined with silent sobs.

He knew everyone else would soon start to rise and he would have to pull himself together then. He would try to be strong. Minimize the damage as much as he could. Help Jesus if that was at all possible. But until then he simply let go.

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably not the best I've ever written, but oh well. I'm not great with dialogue (as you can clearly see), I tend to get lost in thought swirls, so if anyone has any tips, throw them at me!
> 
> Also I kinda wanna write a multichap for this fandom but I've another multichap that I need to finish first. So maybe that's a thing that will happen. Maybe.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!


End file.
